Polar Zone/Twenty Five
❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅❄❅ Loneliness has always been with me, with me But maybe we don't have to be all alone — The Fray, The Fighter ---- LUCIFER SIX SUNRISES have passed since the Battle of the Peak. The healthier Guard cats have already left, to Everly's frustration: "Why don't they understand that their cause is pointless?" Most of the others, despite the fact that we have treated them fairly and cared for their wounds, are refusing to join our cause, and want to leave as soon as possible. For the first few days, most of my time is spent sleeping. It seems rest is the only way to replenish and restore your body when, as Miko puts it, "You've been idiotic enough to push it past the point of death for most cats. Numbskull." The medicine cat certainly does have a ridiculous amount to do. It helps a little that Plover has taken to following him around nonstop. She says very little, but listens to his every word, and fights for every patient's life as if it's Eider lying there needing saving. When she came over to change my poultices, I tried talking to her, but she didn't say a word to me. I later found out she hasn't talked to anyone from our little group. Everly guesses that we are tied too closely to everything that led to Eider's death. The rest of us realize she must be right, and we stop trying to reach out to Plover; if she needs to separate herself from us to heal, we'll give her space. Besides, I sympathize with trying to avoid someone. Riverfrost has been trying to talk to me alone, and I always manage to find an excuse or make a quick escape when I see him coming. As Sasha points out to me once when I accidentally trample her nest in an attempt to hide from my father, he probably just wants to know where we stand as father and son. I don't know why that terrifies me so much. It's the same sort of choking, compressed feeling that enveloped me when it was time for me to wish Everly good-bye before I left for the mission on the peak. I can't do it. There's something inside me that can't withstand the pressure of whatever emotion it is that fights so viciously to overwhelm me whenever I'm around certain cats. The problem with avoiding Riverfrost is there's not a ton of ways I can make myself too busy to talk. The Clans have insisted on taking complete charge of hunting and security; after hearing our story of crossing the River Thorn and everything we went through to start the rebellion, Moonstar, Shadowstar and Blackstar will not hear of us lifting a paw till we're fully rested. In classic fashion, I ignored a direct order from Blackstar to get in my nest for the night and tried for a late hunt. Blackstar got his revenge by asking Everly to make sure I comply with Miko's instructions for rest. The result of this is me adding Everly to the list of cats I'm avoiding, because if she sees me so much as fetching bedding, I get a full-fledged medicine-cat-worthy lecture. Hiding from Riverfrost is hard, but hiding from Everly is simply impossible. She just knows me too well. "I knew I'd find you out here," she says triumphantly now, having located me on the far side of the mountain, in a small brookside glen just above the plateau where we'd set up temporary camp before. "How did you know?" I demand. "You're interrupting my hunt, by the way." "Good. You're not supposed to be hunting," she says smugly. "I'm going stir crazy locked up in there," I complain, jerking my chin towards the peak. She nods. "I know. Jett and Sasha are too. It just seems so tame, doesn't it? Resting and recuperating after the nonstop battles of the past moon? After pushing and dragging ourselves all this way, we don't know how to just let ourselves be." Though I'll never in a million years be perceptive enough to put it as clearly as she does, I realize that she's right. "We got used to playing hero," I say softly. "We got good at it, too. Too good, and now we have no more villains," says Everly. "That's not true." Wincing, she says, "Yeah, but maybe let's pretend it is for now. I don't want to think about DiAngelo." "Okay. Me neither." "Lucifer," says Everly, her voice changing to a more tentative tone, "can I ask you something?" "Shoot." "You should talk to Riverfrost." I stiffen. "That's not a question." "Will you please talk to Riverfrost? I've been spending time with him, you know, because you haven't-- because I think he's lonely." I don't respond, fixing my eyes on the middle distance and staring stoically at the sky. "He's your father. He wants to be close to you." I watch an eagle stretch its wings and catch an upward-driving thermal, riding it lazily up into the swirling gray sky. "Snow," I say, eyeing the dark-bellied clouds. "He's all you've got. You need him, too." I turn on her so quickly that she blinks, startled. "Who says I need him? I've gotten this far in life without him, haven't I? Just because he convinced the Triad to join our cause . . . That just means he might have gotten over some of the cowardice that allowed him to let my mother die. It doesn't mean he's suddenly my father. It doesn't mean we've suddenly got this special connection, or that I owe him." Everly looks bewildered. "Lucifer, I wasn't trying to suggest that you should give him a chance just because he did something for you. That's not what family is. You'll never find anyone perfectly easy and safe to care for. But there's nothing wrong with needing someone. There's nothing wrong with loving someone." We stare at each other for several seconds. Strangely, Everly looks more flustered than anything else. She raises a paw and, almost involuntarily, touches it to the pink pendant that hangs just above her heart. The sun is rising behind us, and bits of light collect around Everly's pelt, making it look like she's been dipped in the soft, ethereal glow of the fading stars. The caramel-colored bands in her deep brown pelt wink and glitter like comets, and her hazel eyes are every color: fractals of tree-green, sky-blue, honey-gold, and earth-brown, all lit on fire by the reflection of the burning sunrise. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I have the insane urge to tell her so. Why? demands a voice in my head. Not'' why would you tell her'', but why are you thinking it in the first place? "Anyway," says Everly in a rather shaky voice, not looking at me, "I think I have a solution for another problem. The problem of boredom." I arch an eyebrow at her and pretend that I'm not slightly breathless from that heart-stopping beat when the sight of her seemed to stop all time. "Oh, really?" "Yeah. For those cats who weren't terribly injured and are looking to get more involved -- what if you and Jett and maybe Sasha started training them here? At the peak?" I blink. "I don't know," I say uncertainly. Training at the peak has never meant anything good for me. "You're the best fighter we've got," says Everly doubtlessly. "And we need an army." "Yeah, about that. I've been thinking, maybe we don't. In fact, I think the less cats we involve in killing DiAngelo, the better." "But he's a wolf!" "Exactly. The amount of cats it would take to bring him down through brute strength is just too high a price to pay. We need to come up with something else. We can't just send an army at him and let them die for us." Everly's eyes narrow. "You sound like you've been thinking this over. Let me guess: you've been planning. You want to go it alone." There's no use lying to her. "Alone, or with as little help as possible," I admit, "and before you say it, this is not about not needing anyone. This is about not wanting anyone else to get hurt. That includes you, so you're not coming along this time." "Oh yeah? Well, tell me what bizarre leaf you've been eating this time, because I know there is nothing about me in real life that would give you the impression I'd let you decide whether I come along," she snaps. But there's a tense frustration on her face, because she knows she was right: I have been forming a plan to get DiAngelo. And she doesn't know what it is, which means she can't stop me. The look of fury on her face makes me feel a little guilty, but it's worth it. Anything to keep her safe. "What's the plan?" she hisses. "What plan?" I counter. "You're impossible!" Everly bursts out, her eyes crackling like lightning, and she storms away. I stand there staring after her for a few minutes, annoyed by the fact that with two words, she can rip down all the walls of self-assurance I built up to convince myself I was doing the right thing. A low chuckle sounds from behind me. "She-cats. They're impossible, aren't they?" I turn and see Riverfrost. Bitterly, I say, "What, are you stalking me now?" "No, actually. I heard Everly yelling and came to see what was wrong. Incredible, right? I haven't known her for that long, but you cannot help loving Everly. Of course, you already know this." I glare at him. "Everly left. Why aren't you leaving too?" "I met Everly along the way. She wasn't very happy, and I sensed she wanted to be left alone." "Yet you can't sense that about me." "Ah, I sense the opposite about you. You're tired of being alone. You are at last letting down the last of your walls, and it physically pains you, the vulnerability of opening yourself to the cruel master of this world." "Greer's dead." "Not Greer. Greer's ability to harm your heart died long before she did, when you broke away from her manipulation. Fear the things that hurt your soul above the things that hurt your body: take it from me, someone who's sacrificed pieces of his heart before. The master I was referring to is love. It is painful, isn't it? Like pressing your tongue to ice that burns like fire, or staring into the hot light of the sun." I open my mouth to say something exceedingly rude, but Riverfrost seems completely unaware of me anymore. He is gazing at something only he can see, his eyes so open that I hesitate. "But it is also everything you ever could want. Exhilirating, full of smiles and laughter and joy beyond your wildest dreams. Love is always worth it. It took a while for me to realize that, and only your mother could have opened my heart that way." His face crumples. "I know what you're thinking. I should have saved her. But I knew her. I knew that her heart was more precious than anything else, and it would have torn her in two to lose you. So we gave up everything to save you -- it was selfish. Both of us were -- yes, even your mother -- because we gave up your soul." Riverfrost's eyes are shining with tears now. "That is what I can never forgive myself for, Lucifer." Hardly knowing what I'm doing, I take a step forward. I whisper to my father, who did the unthinkable to try to save me, "It's okay. I forgive you." He shakes his head. "Perhaps you shouldn't." "This is the polar zone. Sometimes we have to break ourselves to survive." We stumble towards each other. "My son," Riverfrost says, and touches his muzzle to my cheek. "Your mother would be so proud of you, just as I am." "Maybe we can start over. I've changed so much . . . I want you to be a part of my new life." A watery smile crosses Riverfrost's face. "I'd like nothing more." "Okay, let's try that again. Hit. Roll. Duck. Nope -- that's all right -- be quicker next time! Jett, make sure your aim is steady -- you were looking at her shoulder but you hit a little too high." I stand atop the ledge in the training cavern, watching Jett and Sasha train and giving them advice. The others were enthusiastic enough about the idea of me helping them, so I decided it couldn't hurt. "Ow!" Okay, it can't hurt me. "Let's take a break!" I say as Sasha nurses her shoulder and argues with Jett about whether he struck before she was ready. "In a real fight, no one will ask if you're ready," he protests loudly as they leave the cavern to get a drink. I leap down from the ledge as Everly pads into the cavern. There's a strange look on her face, one I don't recognize. Her little chin is set grimly. Her voice is polite but impassionate as she says, "Can I get a lesson?" "Sure?" We square off. "Should we start with an easy--" Pow! Everly is like a little hornet; I stare at her in disbelief and she says, "I just hit you. Are you just going to stand there like a lump of rock?" "I-- not-- calm down! Ow!" I duck out of the way as she starts pummeling me. Jett and Sasha return, but pause in the doorway. "We'll come back later," Jett says loudly, then mutters to Sasha, "Everly's beating him up. Dunno what's going on but let's not get involved." "What? Scared of hitting me?" Everly scoffs as I block her blows without raising a paw in return. "I don't want to! This isn't about training, is it? You're mad at me." "Wow" -- Pow! -- "you're so smart, how'd you figure that out?" she says sarcastically. "Stop! I don't want to fight you!" "What do I have to do to prove to you that I'm capable?" she says, her voice still at a yell, but shakier now. I grab her small paws in mine and force them onto the ground again. "It's not that I don't think you're capable of helping me fight DiAngelo, Everly. You're the strongest cat I've ever known. But I can't-- I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you. I can't lose you. Not you." The fight goes out of Everly like she's been deflated. "I can't lose you either," she mutters stubbornly. "I can't let you fight him alone." "It's got to be me. That's what the prophecy said in the first place." "Screw the prophecy. Lucifer, I need you to promise me that when the time comes for you to-- to do whatever, you won't leave me out. You have to tell me." "But--" "Please. You never said good-bye to me, remember? Before you left for the peak. And I almost died--" "Don't--" "--and what if I had?" What if she had? I shut my eyes at the horror of it. "We'd never have said good-bye. I won't let that happen again. We aren't going to miss each other. I'm going to be right by your side." I can't say no to her. "Fine," I relent, and she throws herself at me again, only this time she's not hitting me, she's burying her face in my fur and clinging to me. I look down at her and suddenly everything Riverfrost and Calder and Turner and everyone else has ever said about-- about it makes sense. I know what I'm so afraid of. I love Everly. Category:Polar Zone